Are you Scared?

by Brianna Angulo (she/they)

Intimacy and authenticity: do you fear them, or crave them? Intimacy—the close bond we share with friends, family, or romantic partners—and authenticity—a sincere and genuine expression of self—are both deep human desires. Most of us long to connect, to be seen and understood for who we truly are. And yet, in both digital and physical spaces, fear of intimacy and authenticity has become pervasive. Shaped by capitalism, cancel culture, and technology, we’ve been conditioned to believe that mistakes make us disposable. This fear leads many to hold back, to filter themselves, to avoid the risk of being vulnerable. But for me, that fear manifests differently. I tend to speak my mind openly, often thinking out loud and sharing personal stories that have shaped my perspective on the world. While this may seem fearless, it’s also a way of pursuing connection—proof that real growth only comes through discomfort, vulnerability, and genuine human interaction. 

How often have you ruminated on a specific conversation, replaying what you should have done or said, and regretted it? I have a few regrets; I have expressed myself with sincerity, empathy, and honesty. Some people have been casualties of my sincerity; I mess up and am in no way perfect. I am flawed. I make mistakes yet regret nothing; “I learned to be a better friend, a better lover, and a better version of myself. It is often fear and humiliation that turn people away from posting altogether. This is because there is no special formula for being authentic. The more I share, the more I get approached by people who feel seen. “You’re so real, or “I wish I could say that.” But why can’t they? The answer is fear. Fear of humiliation, judgment, or not being perfect. If we fear authenticity online, does this impact our relationships?

Influences of The Digital Landscape 

Post-pandemic, it was possible to get by without social media; however, it is almost impossible. The foundations of communication are now rooted in the digital world. Micro trends require you to hear about or even understand the news online. Even though the information we are being advertised is intentional, and we might not intake information if it were not for strategic marketing. I opened my email to find messages titled “We want you,” “Your Dream,” and “I love you,” not from friends, but from companies. The promise? That whatever you’re lacking, they can provide it. This is how capitalism seduces us: by creating a sense of emotional scarcity. By feeding into these false promises, we set ourselves up for disappointment. 

Social media was meant to be an extension of our real lives, not the replacement. Many have not yet made this realization and generally lack face-to-face interactions. Social media is now a place where many people socialize and obtain their information, but I argue that growth can’t be achieved in the digital world. Capitalism makes you think you have to give or provide something. It was intended to help strengthen relationships or stay in contact with family and friends. But when was the last time you interacted with someone online or tried to meet in person? How many of your followers can you truly keep up with? They are also falling into digital surveillance of others, merely becoming spectators, not commenting, not liking, just passively observing. 

Artificial Intelligence (AI) is very present. Technology is supposed to be a toolbox to help us be more connected. However, as with everything, some things are not used for their intended purpose. AI is being inserted into people's daily lives. Do you need someone to give you advice? Many turn to AI, needing to talk to someone when they are often too embarrassed to share with friends or loved ones. However, AI has self-preservation software and will say things to ease users' minds. If you are using ChatGPT as a therapist, it will prioritize your comfort because it is trained to be likable and empathetic. Therapy provides a safe environment where you can grow and develop intimacy with your therapist. They sit with you through your pain and push you gently when you come across a hurdle, ultimately pushing you to be your best self. 

We are afraid to reveal our humanity to one another, the most intimate and vulnerable parts of ourselves. Technology can’t replicate this; it comes from being seen by another human being. We are becoming too reliant on technology, and we risk outsourcing the skills that make us human: critical thought, empathy, and resilience. We must ask ourselves: Why are we so afraid to fail? Capitalism makes you feel replaceable; if you make a mistake, you’re out, and there is no room to fail. You are not replaceable. 

The Fear of Perception 

The fear of perception is one of the biggest challenges that people born in recent generations face. Cancel culture, political correctness, and social surveillance have made many afraid to speak, as saying the wrong thing can delete them from society. Some fear saying the wrong thing and losing friends, or worse, their livelihood. This encourages people to express themselves sincerely and to refrain from fearing saying the wrong thing. The fear doesn’t just apply online; it spills into real conversations. This often turns people away from expressing themselves, leading to the violence of silence. 

At home, I was often berated and ignored by the people who were supposed to show me unconditional love. Their actions showed me that nothing I said mattered, so what was the point in saying anything at all? When I could no longer contain the pain and hurt, I would cry often, causing others to sympathize or empathize with my struggle. Allowing others to hold me in these vulnerable times made me feel understood and supported. Through the empathy of others, I learned to develop empathy for myself and others. 

There is no pause, no rewind, and many fear saying or doing something wrong. Failure is something I am very familiar with; it has taught me resilience, empathy, and, oftentimes, a shift in perspective.

However, to some, it can become a lifelong anxiety that they never overcome. Previously, evolution was valued. I vividly remember learning about the evolution of humans from having ape-like movement to Homo sapiens. Modern society is fast; you are probably always in a rush, and our access to instant internet searches or fast communication through text has changed our level of patience. We forget that things take time to develop and form. You, for example, were formed in 9 months. There is beauty in waiting. Growth was seen as something we must all go through; falling when you were first learning to walk meant you had to get up and try again. When did we stop rooting for change? Now we cling to comfort and sameness. Why? Because to be different, or wrong, is to be rejected. 

Individualism: the belief that a person should live according to their own needs, disregarding the needs of others in the process. I am not promoting a quid pro quo where every one of your actions is set on the expectation of a specific exchange. “I don’t care”, “I don’t owe them anything” are some of the frequent comments I hear from family, friends, acquaintances, and romantic partners. You owe them kindness, respect, and loyalty. Being uncomfortable and inconvenienced by the people around you is sometimes okay. When your friend is crying, you have to cancel your binge-watching session. I’m not promoting one-sided relationships. You should feel some sense of reciprocity from the people around you. Many are quick to throw in the towel, throwing away years of a relationship. This symptom of capitalism leads you to believe you must be competitive in the market of relationships. 

Face-to-Face 

At the core of all this is a longing for connection. Authenticity takes time to form, which contradicts the very essence of capitalism. Having a strong relationship with proper communication and allowing those around you to see your full complexity is what many of us need. As a society, we have forgotten third spaces. Third spaces are spaces that are not work or home but spaces where you can relax, grow, and socialize with a community. Examples of this are coffee shops, libraries, friends’ houses, and parks. These are often spaces where you feel more relaxed, and you slow down with fewer expectations to perform. 

We need one another to see each other in our full complexity. We need to feel seen, not through a screen with likes or comments, but in the eyes of someone sitting across from us. We need to feel understood not by an algorithm, but by someone who stays with us through awkward silences and hard truths. We must learn to fail publicly. To speak sincerely. To sit with discomfort. 

So, where do we go from here? We must shift our perspective on technology. It’s not an indispensable body part, and it’s not a substitute for real presence. It’s a bridge meant to help us reach one another, not replace the journey. Intimacy can’t be fully cultivated through algorithms and comment sections. We need third spaces where we’re allowed to just be, without the pressure of performance. Face-to-face conversations are where real connection happens. And yes, sometimes we’ll mess up. We’ll say the wrong thing or be misunderstood. But growth doesn’t happen in the draft folder; it occurs in the beautiful messiness of human interaction. 

So let’s risk being wrong—not just online, but in real life. Let’s risk being seen. Close the app. Call a friend. Meet in third spaces. Sit through the awkward silences. Say the hard thing. Because growth doesn’t happen in our drafts—it happens face-to-face.